I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Randomize
