Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
