my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
