i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
