I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
