My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I enjoy the company of your penis
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
