i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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