I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
