i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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