it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
