Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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