Don't make out with my wife yet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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