i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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