i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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