She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
