well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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