how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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