You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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