I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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