i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
