look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
