one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
