he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
