Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
