I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
