There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
