i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
