Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
