I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My ass is underappreciated
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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