WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize