ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
