Only a mothe r could love this liver
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
