Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
