Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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