How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
