If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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