i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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