Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
