You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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