Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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