Tell her she can't have a vagina
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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