What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
