hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
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