someone threw a dead crab at me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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