You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
