Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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