does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team