Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.