so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
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So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet