somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
