Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
