I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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