god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
