Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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