Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
