I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
