i think my tv is drunk
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
